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Life Lesson # 23- For the love of Peanut Butter

I am in love….with peanut butter. It is one of the most splendid

Peanut Butter Please!

things on earth and I would do just about anything to receive a spoonful of this delicious treat. It is the thing that gets me through these long winter months, it is the bounce in my step, it is the swagger in my walk, It is my friend.

The thought of peanut butter makes my heart race,  my mouth starts salivating and my mind gets consumed with ways to get more.  My mom knows my love for this heavenly treat and yet she only supplies small rations inside of a kong. Sometimes she forces me to do things I do not want to do for more. She makes me sit, go down, stay, come, go to bed….all cruel and unnecessary evils but she knows my weaknesses and she takes full advantage.

I have tried numerous times to break into a jar of Peanut Butter but it is all but impossible. The jar of PB is a result of a genius engineering design that purposely was made to keep doggy paws out. Damn those engineers!

I will often try to work my “pity me” look on other members of the family. They will often fall prey to my plan but then they will hand me a dried up milkbone. I look them directly in the eyes and then spit this unacceptable substitute on the floor. If only I had a tongue that knew how to form words I would yell ” no you fools, I would like my beloved Peanut Butter.” But no, I can not do that so I just have to sit and suffer. I am at the mercy of others and It is not a nice feeling. I feel powerless.

My plan this week is to do so many sit, stays and comes as possible, hoping Mom will fill my peanut butter desires.

If that doesn’t work,I will pounce on that peanut butter jar with such vigor….

Wish me luck 🙂

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Posted by on January 7, 2012 in Life Lessons

 

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Dear Santa H. Claus Part Three….

Dear Santa,

I have to be quick cause I snucked on the computer when mama’s having a rub a dub dub….

There are some things mama made me edit out of my last list to you and I was wondering if you had a few hours to read over my new list of demands….I mean presents.  I realize you are quite busy this time of year so if you do not have a few hours tonight I understand…as long as you have a lot of ink in your printer you could print it out….it probably won’t be longer than about 15 or so pages….if you like I could present the list into chapters or priority presents…what ever you think would be most reader friendly. I would really like to reiterate that these gifts are things that I really need.

Chapter One:

1.  Harley Davidson for dad with a side car attached for ME. Picture this Santa:  Benny H. Wrinklebottom in the sidecar with aviator sunglasses on and a red scarf blowing in the wind. The chicks would totally dig that.

2. Aviator glasses

3. Red scarf

Chapter Two:

I not sure if you do this or not but I think i really would like this.

1. A swift kick to my neighbours butt. He’s a twelve year old boy who thinks it’s funny to taunt me on the other side of the fence.

2. A good pair of steel toe boots in your size that I would return to you for the butt kicking.

Chapter Three:

1. A music studio in my basement. I think i want to be a rap star and I don’t want to commute to a studio if possible (well maybe if I can do in my sidecar…we can discuss that later though)

2. I solid gold necklace with a huge money sign pendent

3. An entourage of super cool dogs to be my “peeps”

Chapter Four:

BOOGER HEAD!!!! Mama’s out of the bath and heading this way….Santa H. Claus….I gotta jet otherwise I be in TROUBLE.

 
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Posted by on December 22, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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Dear Santa Claus…Part Deux

Dear Santa Claus,

I hope you had time to review my last letter to you. As you can obviously see I am a good guy with only a smidgen of naughtiness in my bones. After much careful consideration I composed a 10 page wish list for your consideration but Mom made me edit it down to one page only (despite the fact that I threw myself on the floor kicking and howling in protest.)

None the less, here it is…

a) A side of beef ribs

b) 13 new stuffies with squeakies that are indestructible

c) A ham

d) Some new running shoes for Mom cause she’s too slow on our walks

e) A solid gold grill for my front two teeth so that I could look like a gangsta (good for my street cred)

f) An electric hoist to raise me up and down to get into the car (why waste the energy jumping)

g) A roast chicken

h) A copy of the movie “Point Break” starring my favorite actor Patrick Swayze

i) A girlfriend so that my friends will be jealous

j) Peace at the Dog Park (mom made me throw that one in- I wanted a pair of sweet sunglasses for cruising the dog park).

That’s the list Santa….If you need more suggestions, please let me know cause I have nine other pages in the recycling bin as we speak.

Much Love,

Benny H. Wrinklebottom.

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Posted by on November 30, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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Life Lesson # 18- Clarence and Uganda Jack- Patrons of Patience

Against my better judgment I have come to admire two crows. There names are Clarence and Uganda Jack (Clarence’s Adopted Son).

You see they have been my Mama’s friends for about 5 years now and were around when I was just a fart in the wind.

Everyday Clarence and Uganda Jack come to our house and sit on the balcony and stare into the window. Sometimes they will sit for hours and will be rewarded for their patience with a well deserved peanut. About once or twice a week they will regurgitate a small ball of shellfish and leave it as a gift on the balcony railing (Mom doesn’t seem too impressed). When we go for walks they escort us down the road like secret service agents on a top priority mission.

I will often watch them from my living room window and see them flipping over a million different leaves looking for worms. They will do it for hours and hours and then suddenly I will see them fly away with a worm in their mouth. They will meet up on a rooftop and share their prize with their mates or adopted sons.

What I admire about crows is there patience and perseverance. If I had to shake paws for 2 hours to receive a tiny little milkbone, I would give up and walk away after the first minute or so. I, like many others expect immediate gratification and don’t always want to work hard to get the rewards.

I’m gonna put on my Scientist hat and observe these clever creatures. They seem to have stronger virtues than some of the pups and people I know and I want to know why. Are they secret aliens trying to take over the world or just simply smarter than we give them credit for?

As soon as I figure out what a Scientist hat looks like…I am so on this mission of discovery!

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Posted by on November 15, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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Life Lesson #17- Emotional Roller Coaster of Hockey

One of the things I do is watch hockey with my Dad.

This how a hockey night looks in our house.

First thing we do it prep for the occasion.

Step 1- Dad grabs a beverage (aka Beer)  and fills up my water dish.

Step 2- Grab snacks- Dad eats chips and I steal chips when dad gets up for a beverage.

Step 3- Park our butts on the couch and turn the volume up for the hockey game.

Next- “The Game”

During the games there is a lot of shouting. Sometimes its is happy shouting such as ” yee ha” or “that’s a beauty.”

Other times its mad shouting like “wheres the referee” or “Luongo sucks.” Sometimes Dad gets so mad he says “Benny I can’t watch this… (bad word)”  then he changes the channel. This usually lasts 5 minutes and he turns the channel back and it is happy shouting ago. Sometimes he likes to pretend he’s the coach and tells me who “needs to be traded” and “that bum should be sent to the Pee Wee league.” I’m glad I don’t play hockey cause one minute  I would be “I’m a rock star caliber player” the next minute “a burnout with lead in his skates.”

My role in all of this is to to ensure that there are no crumbs left for my mom to clean and to provide my Dad with emotional support during this chaotic 3 hours of couch entertainment.

I’m nervous about what is gonna happen when playoff season is here…..

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Posted by on November 13, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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Life Lesson # 12- Trapped in the Wrong Body.

I always knew that I was different from other pups. I felt trapped and confused and Eureka! I finally figured it out.

I am a TransHuman. A human trapped in a dogs body.

Before you say “poppycock” let me explain my reasoning.

  1. I have never had any desire to eat dog food. Dryed up little kibble served on the floor in a tin dish is disgusting and quite degrading (if you want to know my true opinion). I have always felt a need to eat human food such as Filet Mignon and T-bones steaks.
  2. I prefer the company of humans. I like their smells and they smother me with the attention that I rightfully deserve. Dogs are okay but I do have to tolerate many unacceptable behaviours such a dry humping and theft of personal belongings.
  3. My intelligence sometimes overwhelms me. I have all these wonderful ideas and I am unable to execute them “because I’m a dog.”

The list could go on and on. Let me assure you that this is not a choice…I was born this way…I don’t think I can fight it any longer. I can not continue to pretend to be something I am not.

It’s time that I start exploring some options.

Any suggestions would be helpful…

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Posted by on October 26, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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Life Lesson # 9- Sometimes Alpha Dogs don’t have the Biggest Bite

The first day I came to my new home, my Dad sat me and Mom down to have a “serious” talk. He wanted to lay

Big Alpha and Benny

down the ground rules of the household.

  1. No dogs in the bed
  2. No table scraps
  3. No dogs on couches

Mom nodded and then turned to me and rolled her eyes (I winked back to acknowledge our secret communication.)  I did my very best for the next few hours to be the best dog I could for my new family.

Then Mom had to go out for a little while. Not five minutes pass and there is Dad calling me on to the couch. We watched hockey and shared dry cheerios until I heard Moms car pull into the driveway.  Dad said “Oh Crap” and proceeded to nudge me off the couch.  I looked up at him bewildered.

Next morning when Mom left for work early, Dad was still in bed. Not 5 minutes passed when I hear “Benny- Come Boy.” I nuzzled with Dad under the blanket and must have dozed off when I hear “BUSTED” from my Mom. She had forgotten something and came back to find me and Dad sleeping soundly in bed.

Now, Dad doesn’t have to hide his secret need for cuddling on the objects that I am banned from. We have made a deal- I will only go on furniture when asked ( or when I am confident I won’t get caught) and keep table scraps to minimum ( I will continue to look so forlorn that it will be impossible to resist me!)

Lesson Learned- sometimes the alpha dog doesn’t have the biggest bite.

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Posted by on October 21, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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