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Tag Archives: dogs in vancouver

Singles Ad From Benny H.

Valentines Day is fast approaching I better get a jump on it!


SFM (single fawn male) looking for a voluptuous life partner of any breed, size or age. Me: I am about 3 ft tall and 50lbs with outstanding hind muscles and a slight muffin-top. I enjoy wrestling in the mud and smelling people in inappropriate places. I am currently unemployed, live at home with my parents and spend a fair amount of the day licking myself on the couch.  You: are someone who will enjoy an evening by the fire licking peanut butter out of a kong while watching Bruce Lee and Patrick Swayze movies. You are lover of long walks in a off leash park and a special dog who has a certain comfort level with the occasional and unintentional punch to the head (I am a boxer pup who is easily excited after all). We: will be the Beyonce and Jay Z of the dog park.

Cats need not apply!

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Posted by on January 21, 2012 in Life Lessons

 

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Dear Santa H. Claus Part Three….

Dear Santa,

I have to be quick cause I snucked on the computer when mama’s having a rub a dub dub….

There are some things mama made me edit out of my last list to you and I was wondering if you had a few hours to read over my new list of demands….I mean presents.  I realize you are quite busy this time of year so if you do not have a few hours tonight I understand…as long as you have a lot of ink in your printer you could print it out….it probably won’t be longer than about 15 or so pages….if you like I could present the list into chapters or priority presents…what ever you think would be most reader friendly. I would really like to reiterate that these gifts are things that I really need.

Chapter One:

1.  Harley Davidson for dad with a side car attached for ME. Picture this Santa:  Benny H. Wrinklebottom in the sidecar with aviator sunglasses on and a red scarf blowing in the wind. The chicks would totally dig that.

2. Aviator glasses

3. Red scarf

Chapter Two:

I not sure if you do this or not but I think i really would like this.

1. A swift kick to my neighbours butt. He’s a twelve year old boy who thinks it’s funny to taunt me on the other side of the fence.

2. A good pair of steel toe boots in your size that I would return to you for the butt kicking.

Chapter Three:

1. A music studio in my basement. I think i want to be a rap star and I don’t want to commute to a studio if possible (well maybe if I can do in my sidecar…we can discuss that later though)

2. I solid gold necklace with a huge money sign pendent

3. An entourage of super cool dogs to be my “peeps”

Chapter Four:

BOOGER HEAD!!!! Mama’s out of the bath and heading this way….Santa H. Claus….I gotta jet otherwise I be in TROUBLE.

 
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Posted by on December 22, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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Life Lesson # 18- Clarence and Uganda Jack- Patrons of Patience

Against my better judgment I have come to admire two crows. There names are Clarence and Uganda Jack (Clarence’s Adopted Son).

You see they have been my Mama’s friends for about 5 years now and were around when I was just a fart in the wind.

Everyday Clarence and Uganda Jack come to our house and sit on the balcony and stare into the window. Sometimes they will sit for hours and will be rewarded for their patience with a well deserved peanut. About once or twice a week they will regurgitate a small ball of shellfish and leave it as a gift on the balcony railing (Mom doesn’t seem too impressed). When we go for walks they escort us down the road like secret service agents on a top priority mission.

I will often watch them from my living room window and see them flipping over a million different leaves looking for worms. They will do it for hours and hours and then suddenly I will see them fly away with a worm in their mouth. They will meet up on a rooftop and share their prize with their mates or adopted sons.

What I admire about crows is there patience and perseverance. If I had to shake paws for 2 hours to receive a tiny little milkbone, I would give up and walk away after the first minute or so. I, like many others expect immediate gratification and don’t always want to work hard to get the rewards.

I’m gonna put on my Scientist hat and observe these clever creatures. They seem to have stronger virtues than some of the pups and people I know and I want to know why. Are they secret aliens trying to take over the world or just simply smarter than we give them credit for?

As soon as I figure out what a Scientist hat looks like…I am so on this mission of discovery!

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Posted by on November 15, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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Life Lesson #17- Emotional Roller Coaster of Hockey

One of the things I do is watch hockey with my Dad.

This how a hockey night looks in our house.

First thing we do it prep for the occasion.

Step 1- Dad grabs a beverage (aka Beer)  and fills up my water dish.

Step 2- Grab snacks- Dad eats chips and I steal chips when dad gets up for a beverage.

Step 3- Park our butts on the couch and turn the volume up for the hockey game.

Next- “The Game”

During the games there is a lot of shouting. Sometimes its is happy shouting such as ” yee ha” or “that’s a beauty.”

Other times its mad shouting like “wheres the referee” or “Luongo sucks.” Sometimes Dad gets so mad he says “Benny I can’t watch this… (bad word)”  then he changes the channel. This usually lasts 5 minutes and he turns the channel back and it is happy shouting ago. Sometimes he likes to pretend he’s the coach and tells me who “needs to be traded” and “that bum should be sent to the Pee Wee league.” I’m glad I don’t play hockey cause one minute  I would be “I’m a rock star caliber player” the next minute “a burnout with lead in his skates.”

My role in all of this is to to ensure that there are no crumbs left for my mom to clean and to provide my Dad with emotional support during this chaotic 3 hours of couch entertainment.

I’m nervous about what is gonna happen when playoff season is here…..

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Posted by on November 13, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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Life Lesson #16 – Ninja Squirrels

Forest Ninja- Beware!

As most of you have figured out, I am an incredibly brave and tough boxer with nerves of steel and muscles like the Incredible Hulk but there is one thing that rattles my bones…Squirrels.

Yeah, some of you might think it’s silly that a dog of my stature would be afraid of a two pound squirrel but I see things in them that most others don’t.

When they look at me, their eyes have no souls and their teeth start chattering…

“kill da dog kill da dog kill da dog.”

They run around armed with hard chestnuts and they are not afraid to use them. I have seen squirrels throw these chestnuts from high trees..like a sniper on his 8th red bull.

They like to represent themselves as these cute little innocent creatures of the forest..they are not…they haunt my dreams and stalk me on trail walks.  I look over my shoulder to find them taunting me, trying to lure me into a range where they could do some serious harm but I am no fool.

I put my tail between my leg and I hightail it out there as fast as I can. In all honesty, I prefer to be brave from a safe distance when it comes to Ninja Squirrels.

I have reassessed my first statement in this blog. I now prefer to call myself “situationally brave.” I am brave when the situation fancies me.     🙂

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Posted by on November 10, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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Life Lesson #15- Inside of a Budgie Asylum

Inside of a Budgie Asylum

When I go to a pets store there are two things I like to do:

1. Drag my tongue on anything within mouths reach hoping that Dad will be forced to buy it for me.

2. Sit and watch the budgies.

I find nothing more fascinating that sitting and watching the interactions inside of a budgie cage.

There are about 20 budgies in the cage and they are all deep in conversation. I’m baffled as to what they are discussing.

“you know, that budgie 13  is dating budgie 8”        “no, impossible” replied budgie 17

“did you see budgie 2 shat on budgie 19”                 “disgusting” exclaimed budgie 3

What in the world could they be talking about? They live in a cage so it can’t be the weather. They have very little life experiences yet they don’t stop chatting.  What in their lives is so important that you need to share it with everyone?

There behaviours are manic and bizarre. There is one budgie talking to himself and slamming his beak into a mirror, another one throwing food everywhere. One bird is actually dipping his bottom in a water dish.  Very uncivilized behaviour and yet I am drawn to it like a duck to water. Is this what the inside of a madhouse looks like?

I guess it is no different then people having to take a peek at a car crash…I’m guilty of  needing to watch the inside of a Budgie Asylum.

I know I should show some decency and not stare at this unfortunate situation but what I lack in self control I make up in my appearance.

Forgive me for my faults…

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Posted by on November 4, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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The 10 Commandments from a Dogs Perspective

Show me some love- I'll give you my soul.

When Mama read this online she shed a couple of water drops and asked me to share this.

The 10 Commandments, From a Dog’s Perspective

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any separation from you will be very painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me–it’s crucial to my well-being.

4. Don’t be angry with me for long, and don’t lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment. I have only you.

5. Talk to me. Even if I don’t understand your words, I understand your voice.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.

7. Before you hit me, remember that I have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hand, but I choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I’ve been out in the sun too long or my heart may be getting old.

9. Take care of me when I get old. You, too, will grow old.

10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say, “I can’t bear to watch it” or “Let it happen in my absence.” Everything is easier for me if you are there. Remember, I love you.

–Author unknown

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Posted by on November 1, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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