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Life Lesson # 21 – Christmas Thoughts

Could you resist this face?

I have declared Christmas my favorite day of the year. It is a day filled with such goodness that I shiver with excitement just thinking about it. I learned so much and wanted to share some of my lessons with others.

1. Santa is not perfect

I sent Santa a fairly detailed Christmas wish list and he must have lost it cause 95% of the stuff I was hoping for wasn’t there.  Maybe Santa needs a new assistant, I will scour Craigslist and pass any ideal candidates on to him. Saying that I got some sweet new stuffies and some yummy dehydrated lamb lungs so all is good.

2. Do not take no for an answer.

As you all know Christmas is the day of the almighty feast…turkey, ham, sausages, potatoes, stuffing…(licking my jowls).  Mom tried to do a Bah Humbug on me by informing all our guests that I was not to be fed human food as I had a long car ride the next day and she didn’t want me to be sick. Well things did not work as she planned because as the day got longer the more beverages people had and that’s when I really started to work my charms… a feeble whimper of desperation and starvation, a look so forlorn that even the stingiest of folk would take pity on me, a gentle drop of my head of someone’s lap. I ate so much people food that I was forced to have a nap to help digest all of the yum yums bouncing in my belly.

I think I am gonna start a petition to make Christmas Celebrations at least 2 times a year cause it’s seems kinda foolish to keep such happiness bundled up in such a tiny 24 hour period. Maybe it could be extended to a week or we could make the month of August 4 weeks of non stop feasts, celebrations and presents.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. 🙂

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Posted by on December 31, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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Life Lesson # 18- Clarence and Uganda Jack- Patrons of Patience

Against my better judgment I have come to admire two crows. There names are Clarence and Uganda Jack (Clarence’s Adopted Son).

You see they have been my Mama’s friends for about 5 years now and were around when I was just a fart in the wind.

Everyday Clarence and Uganda Jack come to our house and sit on the balcony and stare into the window. Sometimes they will sit for hours and will be rewarded for their patience with a well deserved peanut. About once or twice a week they will regurgitate a small ball of shellfish and leave it as a gift on the balcony railing (Mom doesn’t seem too impressed). When we go for walks they escort us down the road like secret service agents on a top priority mission.

I will often watch them from my living room window and see them flipping over a million different leaves looking for worms. They will do it for hours and hours and then suddenly I will see them fly away with a worm in their mouth. They will meet up on a rooftop and share their prize with their mates or adopted sons.

What I admire about crows is there patience and perseverance. If I had to shake paws for 2 hours to receive a tiny little milkbone, I would give up and walk away after the first minute or so. I, like many others expect immediate gratification and don’t always want to work hard to get the rewards.

I’m gonna put on my Scientist hat and observe these clever creatures. They seem to have stronger virtues than some of the pups and people I know and I want to know why. Are they secret aliens trying to take over the world or just simply smarter than we give them credit for?

As soon as I figure out what a Scientist hat looks like…I am so on this mission of discovery!

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Posted by on November 15, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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10 Rules I Love to Break…

Here are my 10 Favorite Rules I Love to Break.

Don’t sniff guests butts- How else am I suppose to get to know these people?

No Begging- YA RIGHT!

No Stepping on Grandpas Head- It’s Huge and hard to avoid.

Stay off the couch- Sleep on the floor…ppleeaassse!

No Chasing Cats- Biologically impossible- I am a beast and they are the demons!

No chewing on Dad’s channel changer- Dads fault for putting it at mouths reach.

No drinking out of the toilet- perfectly good water source.

No nibbling on Uncle Lees Ears- My wrestling foe needs a good nibble.

No Partying after 10pm- Eye Contact= Party Time

No dry humping my stuffies- They need to know whose large and in charge

SOMETIMES IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE BAD!

 
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Posted by on November 7, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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Life Lesson #15- Inside of a Budgie Asylum

Inside of a Budgie Asylum

When I go to a pets store there are two things I like to do:

1. Drag my tongue on anything within mouths reach hoping that Dad will be forced to buy it for me.

2. Sit and watch the budgies.

I find nothing more fascinating that sitting and watching the interactions inside of a budgie cage.

There are about 20 budgies in the cage and they are all deep in conversation. I’m baffled as to what they are discussing.

“you know, that budgie 13  is dating budgie 8”        “no, impossible” replied budgie 17

“did you see budgie 2 shat on budgie 19”                 “disgusting” exclaimed budgie 3

What in the world could they be talking about? They live in a cage so it can’t be the weather. They have very little life experiences yet they don’t stop chatting.  What in their lives is so important that you need to share it with everyone?

There behaviours are manic and bizarre. There is one budgie talking to himself and slamming his beak into a mirror, another one throwing food everywhere. One bird is actually dipping his bottom in a water dish.  Very uncivilized behaviour and yet I am drawn to it like a duck to water. Is this what the inside of a madhouse looks like?

I guess it is no different then people having to take a peek at a car crash…I’m guilty of  needing to watch the inside of a Budgie Asylum.

I know I should show some decency and not stare at this unfortunate situation but what I lack in self control I make up in my appearance.

Forgive me for my faults…

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Posted by on November 4, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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The 10 Commandments from a Dogs Perspective

Show me some love- I'll give you my soul.

When Mama read this online she shed a couple of water drops and asked me to share this.

The 10 Commandments, From a Dog’s Perspective

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any separation from you will be very painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me–it’s crucial to my well-being.

4. Don’t be angry with me for long, and don’t lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment. I have only you.

5. Talk to me. Even if I don’t understand your words, I understand your voice.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.

7. Before you hit me, remember that I have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hand, but I choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I’ve been out in the sun too long or my heart may be getting old.

9. Take care of me when I get old. You, too, will grow old.

10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say, “I can’t bear to watch it” or “Let it happen in my absence.” Everything is easier for me if you are there. Remember, I love you.

–Author unknown

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Posted by on November 1, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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Life Lesson # 12- Trapped in the Wrong Body.

I always knew that I was different from other pups. I felt trapped and confused and Eureka! I finally figured it out.

I am a TransHuman. A human trapped in a dogs body.

Before you say “poppycock” let me explain my reasoning.

  1. I have never had any desire to eat dog food. Dryed up little kibble served on the floor in a tin dish is disgusting and quite degrading (if you want to know my true opinion). I have always felt a need to eat human food such as Filet Mignon and T-bones steaks.
  2. I prefer the company of humans. I like their smells and they smother me with the attention that I rightfully deserve. Dogs are okay but I do have to tolerate many unacceptable behaviours such a dry humping and theft of personal belongings.
  3. My intelligence sometimes overwhelms me. I have all these wonderful ideas and I am unable to execute them “because I’m a dog.”

The list could go on and on. Let me assure you that this is not a choice…I was born this way…I don’t think I can fight it any longer. I can not continue to pretend to be something I am not.

It’s time that I start exploring some options.

Any suggestions would be helpful…

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Posted by on October 26, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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Life Lesson # 11- Butt Sniffing 101

Professor Wrinklebottom At Your Service

I am not afraid to say it. I LOVE BUTT SNIFFING. Some of my human friends might think its disgusting but it gives me a world of information about the dog or person. I can tell what they had for breakfast or even what they are feeling. Humans greet by giving handshakes or hugs…dogs smell bums.

Butt sniffing at the dog park is quite a political venture. Much to know about the ins and outs of acceptable butt sniffing etiquette.

Here is what I know so far.

1. Beware the Yelpers- there is a certain percentage of dogs that will Yelp if you attempt a basic sniff. You might be 3 feet away heading in their direction then suddenly they Yelp like they have been kicked in the ribs. Then you have to try to explain yourself to mom or dad- avoid these pups.

2. Some dogs give but will not receive- These dogs like to sniff your rump but when you attempt a reciprocal sniff they jump on your back to dry hump you. Not my favorite thing.

3. Keep it short and sweet. Nobody likes a prolonged lingering butt sniffer. Sniff….get your information….move on.

I personally think there should be a mandatory course in a Butt Sniffing to ensure we are all on the same page. That would lesson confusion and would avoid many puppy conflicts.

Professor Wrinklebottom has a nice ring to it..Don’t you think?

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Posted by on October 24, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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