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A day in the life…

A Typical Day Looks Something Like This:

6:30   Big stretch on bed, kick mama in ribs a couple of times to let her know I’m still there.

7:00  Jump out of bed, go outside to take care of business and then sit by the fridge- wait for hot dog.

8:00   Still waiting for morning hot dog. Mom puts dog food on the floor. I pretend not to see it.

8:30   When mom leaves room, take a few bites of kibble, spit on the floor in disgust.

9:00    Car Ride and Dog Park.

9:15    Dog Park:  Run, chase, sniff, wee, poo, wrestle, hide, hop, gallop, bounce and roll.

11:00   Arrive home- morning siesta……zzzzzzz

1:00    Ground patrol for any food nuggets that Dad might have dropped after lunch. Reluctantly eat my kibble.

2:00    Chew time- sometimes it’s channel changers, bras, shoes, stuffies, xbox controllers, towels.

4:00    High speed run in the backyard, roll in something good…howl when mom tries to wipe my feet.

5:00    Dinner supervision- sit in front of oven, sit at peoples feet as they eat, beg, drool, pout, moan.

5:30    Reluctantly eat more kibble.

6:00    Wrestlemania 612 with a big panda stuffie named Boris. Victory rewarded with Peanut butter in Kong.

6:30    Last ground patrol of evening, drag tongue on floor in front of oven.

7:00    Jump on dads head- watch hockey – beg for popcorn.

8:00    Stretch out my bones on bed and dream about my days events. ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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Posted by on January 16, 2012 in Life Lessons

 

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Dear Santa H. Claus Part Three….

Dear Santa,

I have to be quick cause I snucked on the computer when mama’s having a rub a dub dub….

There are some things mama made me edit out of my last list to you and I was wondering if you had a few hours to read over my new list of demands….I mean presents.  I realize you are quite busy this time of year so if you do not have a few hours tonight I understand…as long as you have a lot of ink in your printer you could print it out….it probably won’t be longer than about 15 or so pages….if you like I could present the list into chapters or priority presents…what ever you think would be most reader friendly. I would really like to reiterate that these gifts are things that I really need.

Chapter One:

1.  Harley Davidson for dad with a side car attached for ME. Picture this Santa:  Benny H. Wrinklebottom in the sidecar with aviator sunglasses on and a red scarf blowing in the wind. The chicks would totally dig that.

2. Aviator glasses

3. Red scarf

Chapter Two:

I not sure if you do this or not but I think i really would like this.

1. A swift kick to my neighbours butt. He’s a twelve year old boy who thinks it’s funny to taunt me on the other side of the fence.

2. A good pair of steel toe boots in your size that I would return to you for the butt kicking.

Chapter Three:

1. A music studio in my basement. I think i want to be a rap star and I don’t want to commute to a studio if possible (well maybe if I can do in my sidecar…we can discuss that later though)

2. I solid gold necklace with a huge money sign pendent

3. An entourage of super cool dogs to be my “peeps”

Chapter Four:

BOOGER HEAD!!!! Mama’s out of the bath and heading this way….Santa H. Claus….I gotta jet otherwise I be in TROUBLE.

 
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Posted by on December 22, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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Life Lesson #17- Emotional Roller Coaster of Hockey

One of the things I do is watch hockey with my Dad.

This how a hockey night looks in our house.

First thing we do it prep for the occasion.

Step 1- Dad grabs a beverage (aka Beer)  and fills up my water dish.

Step 2- Grab snacks- Dad eats chips and I steal chips when dad gets up for a beverage.

Step 3- Park our butts on the couch and turn the volume up for the hockey game.

Next- “The Game”

During the games there is a lot of shouting. Sometimes its is happy shouting such as ” yee ha” or “that’s a beauty.”

Other times its mad shouting like “wheres the referee” or “Luongo sucks.” Sometimes Dad gets so mad he says “Benny I can’t watch this… (bad word)”  then he changes the channel. This usually lasts 5 minutes and he turns the channel back and it is happy shouting ago. Sometimes he likes to pretend he’s the coach and tells me who “needs to be traded” and “that bum should be sent to the Pee Wee league.” I’m glad I don’t play hockey cause one minute  I would be “I’m a rock star caliber player” the next minute “a burnout with lead in his skates.”

My role in all of this is to to ensure that there are no crumbs left for my mom to clean and to provide my Dad with emotional support during this chaotic 3 hours of couch entertainment.

I’m nervous about what is gonna happen when playoff season is here…..

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Posted by on November 13, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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10 Rules I Love to Break…

Here are my 10 Favorite Rules I Love to Break.

Don’t sniff guests butts- How else am I suppose to get to know these people?

No Begging- YA RIGHT!

No Stepping on Grandpas Head- It’s Huge and hard to avoid.

Stay off the couch- Sleep on the floor…ppleeaassse!

No Chasing Cats- Biologically impossible- I am a beast and they are the demons!

No chewing on Dad’s channel changer- Dads fault for putting it at mouths reach.

No drinking out of the toilet- perfectly good water source.

No nibbling on Uncle Lees Ears- My wrestling foe needs a good nibble.

No Partying after 10pm- Eye Contact= Party Time

No dry humping my stuffies- They need to know whose large and in charge

SOMETIMES IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE BAD!

 
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Posted by on November 7, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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Life Lesson #13- Howl-o-ween Licks…

Beginning of my Social Demise

Yes..It’s true…I hate Howl-o-ween. I feel it should be renamed:

“dress your dogs up as fools and ruin their street cred day”

I’ve spent weeks trying to build up my status at the dog park and it could be derailed by me showing up dressed as a hot dog or pirate. This is social suicide and psychological terror and yet humans think it’s great fun.

They laugh and take pictures, put us in puppy parades and then post the pictures on the internet. The humiliation then goes viral and then suddenly I’m the laughing-stock of the whole world. I realize for Pugs and the like it is a “rite of passage” but this will do me greater harm then good. I am growing increasingly nervous as my Mom has been on the phone this week plotting my social demise ” Benny would look cute as a butterfly.”

BUTTERFLY! Life is hard enough being a clumsy half sighted boxer dog just working his way up the social ladder and now I have to deal with this.

I’m calling for a worldwide ban on Howl-o-ween…All in support of this idea….

Please Raise Your Paws!

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Posted by on October 28, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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Poetry of the Pup- Bugs Haiku

Leaping Crawling Bugs

I pounce on you with my paws

Beware the Boxer!

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Posted by on October 25, 2011 in Poetry from the Pup

 

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Life Lesson #10- Torture of the Pot Roast

On the edge of insanity!

I am very upset about something. I think I need to sit my Mom down and have a serious conversation about whats occurred.

You see 3 days ago my Mom came home from the shops and immediately I could detect from the smell coming out of the grocery bag, there was something in there that I should eat.

She then takes a roast out of the wrapper and puts it in a pan with lots of other great scents and deposits it in the oven. MISTAKE #1- she should have consumed it right then…If given the chance I would have.

Then for hours and hours the aroma permeates the house and my body. I decide the best thing for me to do is to patrol the front of the oven to keep this olfactory sensation safe from harm. Dad gets home ” Damn woman smells great.”

Mom then takes this delightful chunk of meat out of the oven and dishes it out on two plates. MISTAKE #2- She did not reach for my dog dish for my serving. She seems to have forgotten my role in patrolling the oven.

They devour every bite…I can’t control myself from begging…there is drool coming out of my jowls…my body is quivering watching them eat the meal that I should be enjoying. Dad takes pity on me and chucks me a half inch morsel of the roast. MISTAKE #3– If i was a mouse I am sure that would be sufficient. Given that am 40 pound Boxer without an eating disorder this is clearly unacceptable.

I am still traumatized from this event. It has been 3 days and I can still smell the meat that I was denied.Two hours ago they threw the remainder of the meat away…. I am having horrific flashbacks of this moment. MISTAKE #4– Why throw perfectly good meat away!!

Someone please explain to me when my parents lost their brains.

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Posted by on October 22, 2011 in Life Lessons

 

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