Singles Ad From Benny H.

Valentines Day is fast approaching I better get a jump on it!

SFM (single fawn male) looking for a voluptuous life partner of any breed, size or age. Me: I am about 3 ft tall and 50lbs with outstanding hind muscles and a slight muffin-top. I enjoy wrestling in the mud and smelling people in inappropriate places. I am currently unemployed, live at home with my parents and spend a fair amount of the day licking myself on the couch.  You: are someone who will enjoy an evening by the fire licking peanut butter out of a kong while watching Bruce Lee and Patrick Swayze movies. You are lover of long walks in a off leash park and a special dog who has a certain comfort level with the occasional and unintentional punch to the head (I am a boxer pup who is easily excited after all). We: will be the Beyonce and Jay Z of the dog park.

Cats need not apply!

 

A day in the life…

A Typical Day Looks Something Like This:

6:30   Big stretch on bed, kick mama in ribs a couple of times to let her know I’m still there.

7:00  Jump out of bed, go outside to take care of business and then sit by the fridge- wait for hot dog.

8:00   Still waiting for morning hot dog. Mom puts dog food on the floor. I pretend not to see it.

8:30   When mom leaves room, take a few bites of kibble, spit on the floor in disgust.

9:00    Car Ride and Dog Park.

9:15    Dog Park:  Run, chase, sniff, wee, poo, wrestle, hide, hop, gallop, bounce and roll.

11:00   Arrive home- morning siesta……zzzzzzz

1:00    Ground patrol for any food nuggets that Dad might have dropped after lunch. Reluctantly eat my kibble.

2:00    Chew time- sometimes it’s channel changers, bras, shoes, stuffies, xbox controllers, towels.

4:00    High speed run in the backyard, roll in something good…howl when mom tries to wipe my feet.

5:00    Dinner supervision- sit in front of oven, sit at peoples feet as they eat, beg, drool, pout, moan.

5:30    Reluctantly eat more kibble.

6:00    Wrestlemania 612 with a big panda stuffie named Boris. Victory rewarded with Peanut butter in Kong.

6:30    Last ground patrol of evening, drag tongue on floor in front of oven.

7:00    Jump on dads head- watch hockey – beg for popcorn.

8:00    Stretch out my bones on bed and dream about my days events. ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Life Lesson # 23- For the love of Peanut Butter

I am in love….with peanut butter. It is one of the most splendid

Peanut Butter Please!

things on earth and I would do just about anything to receive a spoonful of this delicious treat. It is the thing that gets me through these long winter months, it is the bounce in my step, it is the swagger in my walk, It is my friend.

The thought of peanut butter makes my heart race,  my mouth starts salivating and my mind gets consumed with ways to get more.  My mom knows my love for this heavenly treat and yet she only supplies small rations inside of a kong. Sometimes she forces me to do things I do not want to do for more. She makes me sit, go down, stay, come, go to bed….all cruel and unnecessary evils but she knows my weaknesses and she takes full advantage.

I have tried numerous times to break into a jar of Peanut Butter but it is all but impossible. The jar of PB is a result of a genius engineering design that purposely was made to keep doggy paws out. Damn those engineers!

I will often try to work my “pity me” look on other members of the family. They will often fall prey to my plan but then they will hand me a dried up milkbone. I look them directly in the eyes and then spit this unacceptable substitute on the floor. If only I had a tongue that knew how to form words I would yell ” no you fools, I would like my beloved Peanut Butter.” But no, I can not do that so I just have to sit and suffer. I am at the mercy of others and It is not a nice feeling. I feel powerless.

My plan this week is to do so many sit, stays and comes as possible, hoping Mom will fill my peanut butter desires.

If that doesn’t work,I will pounce on that peanut butter jar with such vigor….

Wish me luck 🙂

 

Life Lesson # 22- So they call me a Runt.

Runt or Russian Spy??

I recently overhead someone call me a runt. My initial reaction was to perform some of the moves I saw in the Bruce Lee movie Enter the Dragon. Then I decided that this was something that I needed to analyze on an intellectual level.

Step 1:  Research “Runt”

Definition: smallest and weakest of the litter.

Some characters who were also “runts”

Wilbur the pig from Charlottes Web

Jock of Jock of the Bushfeld

Babe the piglet hero from the movie and book ” Babe.”

Step 2: Personal Evaluation:

If being a Runt means…

having the ability to charm a crowd  with a wink of my good eye in about 2.5 seconds or…

knowing that it is especially helpful to bring my dad his shoes when I need to go outside (without being taught this) or…

being able to sit in a car for 6 hours without a single whimper or any sort of fuss on a long road trip or…

surviving 6 months of neglect and abuse in a busted up old crack house without developing a mean bone in my body or…

knowing to give my family lots of love cause I know what’s it’s like to go without.

Well, then DANG It! I am a runt and proud of it. I may not be the strongest, fastest or a nuclear scientist but I am pretty good at a lot of things.

I think I might form a gang composed entirely of “runts.” We’ll be like superheroes…We’ll have a secret pawshake….I’ll design cool capes and bandannas….“we’ll do good while looking good”…..that will be our slogan!

Watch out world here we come…

 

Life Lesson # 21 – Christmas Thoughts

Could you resist this face?

I have declared Christmas my favorite day of the year. It is a day filled with such goodness that I shiver with excitement just thinking about it. I learned so much and wanted to share some of my lessons with others.

1. Santa is not perfect

I sent Santa a fairly detailed Christmas wish list and he must have lost it cause 95% of the stuff I was hoping for wasn’t there.  Maybe Santa needs a new assistant, I will scour Craigslist and pass any ideal candidates on to him. Saying that I got some sweet new stuffies and some yummy dehydrated lamb lungs so all is good.

2. Do not take no for an answer.

As you all know Christmas is the day of the almighty feast…turkey, ham, sausages, potatoes, stuffing…(licking my jowls).  Mom tried to do a Bah Humbug on me by informing all our guests that I was not to be fed human food as I had a long car ride the next day and she didn’t want me to be sick. Well things did not work as she planned because as the day got longer the more beverages people had and that’s when I really started to work my charms… a feeble whimper of desperation and starvation, a look so forlorn that even the stingiest of folk would take pity on me, a gentle drop of my head of someone’s lap. I ate so much people food that I was forced to have a nap to help digest all of the yum yums bouncing in my belly.

I think I am gonna start a petition to make Christmas Celebrations at least 2 times a year cause it’s seems kinda foolish to keep such happiness bundled up in such a tiny 24 hour period. Maybe it could be extended to a week or we could make the month of August 4 weeks of non stop feasts, celebrations and presents.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. 🙂

 

Dear Santa H. Claus Part Three….

Dear Santa,

I have to be quick cause I snucked on the computer when mama’s having a rub a dub dub….

There are some things mama made me edit out of my last list to you and I was wondering if you had a few hours to read over my new list of demands….I mean presents.  I realize you are quite busy this time of year so if you do not have a few hours tonight I understand…as long as you have a lot of ink in your printer you could print it out….it probably won’t be longer than about 15 or so pages….if you like I could present the list into chapters or priority presents…what ever you think would be most reader friendly. I would really like to reiterate that these gifts are things that I really need.

Chapter One:

1.  Harley Davidson for dad with a side car attached for ME. Picture this Santa:  Benny H. Wrinklebottom in the sidecar with aviator sunglasses on and a red scarf blowing in the wind. The chicks would totally dig that.

2. Aviator glasses

3. Red scarf

Chapter Two:

I not sure if you do this or not but I think i really would like this.

1. A swift kick to my neighbours butt. He’s a twelve year old boy who thinks it’s funny to taunt me on the other side of the fence.

2. A good pair of steel toe boots in your size that I would return to you for the butt kicking.

Chapter Three:

1. A music studio in my basement. I think i want to be a rap star and I don’t want to commute to a studio if possible (well maybe if I can do in my sidecar…we can discuss that later though)

2. I solid gold necklace with a huge money sign pendent

3. An entourage of super cool dogs to be my “peeps”

Chapter Four:

BOOGER HEAD!!!! Mama’s out of the bath and heading this way….Santa H. Claus….I gotta jet otherwise I be in TROUBLE.

 

Dear Santa Claus…Part Deux

Dear Santa Claus,

I hope you had time to review my last letter to you. As you can obviously see I am a good guy with only a smidgen of naughtiness in my bones. After much careful consideration I composed a 10 page wish list for your consideration but Mom made me edit it down to one page only (despite the fact that I threw myself on the floor kicking and howling in protest.)

None the less, here it is…

a) A side of beef ribs

b) 13 new stuffies with squeakies that are indestructible

c) A ham

d) Some new running shoes for Mom cause she’s too slow on our walks

e) A solid gold grill for my front two teeth so that I could look like a gangsta (good for my street cred)

f) An electric hoist to raise me up and down to get into the car (why waste the energy jumping)

g) A roast chicken

h) A copy of the movie “Point Break” starring my favorite actor Patrick Swayze

i) A girlfriend so that my friends will be jealous

j) Peace at the Dog Park (mom made me throw that one in- I wanted a pair of sweet sunglasses for cruising the dog park).

That’s the list Santa….If you need more suggestions, please let me know cause I have nine other pages in the recycling bin as we speak.

Much Love,

Benny H. Wrinklebottom.

 

Dear Santa Claus…Part 1

Presents Please!

Dear Santa Claus,

Forgive me as I have sinned in the following ways:

a) I have chewed my grannies bra into two

b) I have chewed a back scratcher

c) I dragged my grandpa’s long johns outside in the rain and added three holes

d) I ate the toilet paper

Well, Santa that sin list goes on and on but let me tell you how I have been good cause that’s the important part that’ ll get me goodies.

Acknowledge me Santa as I have done good in the following ways:

a) I share some of the blankets with my Mom in bed

b) I allow Dad to sit next to me on the couch and help him eat chips

c) I sometimes help with the dishes

d) I pick things up off the floor and take them outside (grandpa’s long john’s)

e) I allow some bugs to live

f) I even let dad win the wresting matches sometimes

g) I help aerate the lawn by digging holes

As you can see Santa, I am approximately 75% good and only 25% naughty. Since those are good betting odds, I think I am a shoe in for some great gifts.

Santa please show me some patience as my wish list is quite long and labour intensive….I will keep you posted when it is complete.

To be continued….

xoxo,

Benny H. Wrinklebottom

 

Life Lesson #20- Tico -True Specimen of a Dog

  Let me tell you about my best friend Tico.

Tico was an abandoned dog who came to live at my Papa’s place not too long  ago. He is a one and a half year old boxer/ ridgeback and he is top notch specimen of a dog.

Here is the difference between Tico and Me

He is like a a fully charged steam engine…run…..run…….run…..run…..run…..run……run……run….run

I am more like a 12 year lawnmower engine…stall…run…run….sleep….sleep…run…tumble……sleep

He moves like a thoroughbred race horse

I move like an underdeveloped white tailed deer whose had 3 cans of Budweiser

He’s built like a Herculean god

I’m built like Kermit the Frog with a muffin top

He’s strong and brave and faces danger head on while doing patrols of his back yard

I run and hide between the legs of the nearest human at the sight of squirrels

He is a quick learner and looks to his humans for commands

I feel that obedience is an optional exercise and not a true test of intelligence…….

After all, I’m the one with the blog and facebook page…..

Na Na Na Na Boo Boo!!

 

Life Lesson #19- Johnny Walnuts Be Gone

Only a couple of months ago at the dog park, a lady came up to my Mom and thanked her for “fixing” her dog. Mom shot me a weird look and I have never felt so embarrassed in my whole 6 month old life! I was not “fixed.” I was just a late bloomer and now I was publicly outed! I sank my head low to the ground and I wandered off looking for a bug to stomp on.

You see the last month there has been changes in my body and I am starting to develop into a Man dog. I am quite pleased with these new developments. I walk with a new swagger swinging my coveted jewels in the wind.  I like to check on them regularly to ensure that they are still there and have made a special effort at keeping them clean and sparkly for all my friends to see. I notice many of the dogs don’t have them and for that reason I feel that I am extra special and masculine. When I am at the dog park, I will often try to walk in front of my friends so they can admire my posterior art form.

Mom and Dad have also noticed my new-found confidence and they are plotting some sort of evil intervention. I over heard them talking about making an appointment at the vet’s office to deal with my “Johnny Walnuts.” Dad laughs when he says it should only be “Johnny Walnut” cause he can only see one.  What is wrong with these people? Can they not see that I am one of the “Chosen Ones” at the dog park that still have these lovely ornaments?

As much as I love my Biggies, I can not let them proceed with this disastrous idea. I have made a plan and am in the process of implementing it.  I am saving up my Milk Bones and as soon as I get 12, I am digging a hole in my backyard and heading to a place that celebrates my manliness.

As soon as I figure out where this place may be…I am amping up my dirt excavation activities BIG TIME!

Wish me luck and please don’t tell my folks!